Denizens of the Bushwhacker Mountains

(commonly known as "bushwhackers”)

  • Meet Brook: Poet, novelist, and the investigative mastermind running the valley's media scene. ✍️📰

    Brook is the editor-in-chief of the infamous local newsletter rag, the Bushwhacker Gazette. She holds down the press from her cozy A-frame cabin located just across the creek from Fern. 🌲

    You can almost always find her frantically documenting the local chaos in her notebook by the flickering light of her kerosene lamp. 🕯️📘

  • Meet Rusty the Wrench: The absolute definition of “I’ll get to it eventually.” 🛠️🦀

    Rusty is a retired Alaska crab boat captain, an anything mechanic and a vintage pick-up truck hoarder. He literally lives in the remnants of his old crab boat (the SS Stogie) surrounded by an ocean of scrap metal and machinery he promises he’s going to fix. One day. Maybe. 🚚💨

    He’s also the proud purveyor of the world-famous Hubcap Museum, and Gronk’s favorite rainy-day meditation spot. 🌧️🧘‍♂️

  • You need a cure for that weird mountain rash?

    🌿Fern is the exact person you want on your side when things go sideways in the woods. She knows every plant, mixes every medicine, and doesn't care how muddy her wellies get. 🥾🏡 This local plant-hermit also plays a blistering fiddle solo. 🎻

  • He doesn't want your IPA and he doesn't want your Coors,But he’ll crack a fresh Budweiser right outside your doors! 🤠🐻

    Meet Old Six Toes. He’s the beer-stealin' bear with a very particular palate. If you leave your cooler unattended at a Bushwhacker Mountain campground, he will raid it. But don't worry about your fancy-ass craft IPAs, your Coors, or your MGD—this local legend strictly steals Budweiser. 🔴💨

    Even better? He doesn’t need a churchkey or a pop-tab. That extra digit on his paw acts as a built-in opener for cans and bottles alike. Talk about evolutionary perfection. 🐾🍾

  • Meet Coho: The finest trout fishing guide in the entire mountain range. 🎣🌲

    Coho is keenly observant, deeply patient, and knows the local rivers better than anyone alive. He’s usually rocking his signature thick plaid shirt, denim, and a felt slouch hat sporting a lucky feather. 🪶

    He doesn’t waste his words, but when he speaks, you’ll want to listen—mostly because he’s usually predicting exactly how Gronk and Meatfist are about to mess up their latest expedition. 🤫🛶

  • Meet Amos the Guard Owl: The self-appointed security guard of the Bushwhacker Mountains. 🦉🛡️

    Amos is a massive gray owl who likes to randomly pop up on nearby branches, silently keeping a close eye on everything going down. But don't look him in the eye—if he sees something he doesn't approve of, he will swoop down, knock you over and terrorize you a little just to prove a point. 🪶🤕

  • Stackhouse Jackson runs a joint called The Diamond,

    It’s crawling with bandits but the cuisine is unrivaled! 💎🍲

    He serves chili and gumbo by the cup or the bowl,

    Scorching your pallet is his primary goal. 🔥👅

    Meet Stackhouse Jackson, the accordion-squeezin’, cigarette-chompin' proprietor of the roughest dive in the mountains. If you can dodge the local outlaws at the bar, you’re in for the culinary experience of your life. 🪵🔥

  • Stackhouse's meddlesome pet war hog (600 lbs) --  extremely smart and unnaturally hairy.

  • Meet 12 Foot Davis: Paul Bunyan’s half-brother and a man with extreme anger management issues. 🪓🤬

    Davis considers himself a peaceful logger just out here fulfilling his duties, clearing the forest to make way for the highly anticipated Wildwood Lanes II. He's also rocking a historic raccoon (or skunk!) hat handed down from a long lineage of French Voyageurs. 🦨🌾

    He tries to keep his cool, but unfortunately for him, Meatfist and Gronk always find a way to trigger his temper into an absolute violent rage. 💥🥊

  • Meet Junkshow Johnson, the messy backpacker who takes "packing everything but the kitchen sink" to a terrifying new level. His pack is absolutely massive, his gear management is nonexistent, and the bungee cords he uses to tie it all together are a little too stretchy. 🪢😬

    If you hear a chorus of clanging pots, tearing nylon, and snapping elastic coming down the trail, step aside.

  • One armed, eye-patch wearing deaf-mute dynamite specialist who resides in a bunker just beside the hydro-electric power line transformers (this consists of a trailer house buried beneath a giant grassy earth mound). He draws power for his massive Satellite TV from the power line radiation by utilizing a giant crystal wrapped in copper wire submerged in water-filled garbage can.  He wears a tattered leather coat with both sleeves half-deteached at shoulders, giving appearance that he's just been blown up. Deaf as stone from all those years of carelessly blowing things up.

  • ⚠️ ATTENTION: THE TRUTH IS SPINNING OUT. ⚠️🌪️🕶️

    Dust Devil Dan does not walk into a room—he tornadoes into it, drops classified CIA secret documents from the Carter administration, and leaves a literal pile of dirt on your kitchen floor. Part "The Dude," part Dr. Gonzo, and 100% committed to the cause. 🪖🚬

    Keep your eyes on the skies, and watch him spin on a 6-frame loop before the government tries to take this video down. 👀🤫

  • Looking for a new morning routine? ☕️🍄

    Meet Guru Betty, the proprietor and head barista at the Koffee Boot. She lives in a tree stump, works in a giant shoe, and her espresso is completely turbo-charged.

    Just a fair warning to the regulars: she serves her lattes lava-hot and infuses them with a highly exclusive psilocybin sea moss extract. It’ll wake you up, but you might start seeing the universe in neon colors.

    Oh, and if you visit, remember the golden rule: Keep off the toe! 🚫👢

  • Meet Mossyback: The ultimate midnight snack bandit. 🍦🧄

    This guy doesn't care about personal boundaries, and he definitely doesn't care about your grocery budget. If you leave your cabin or your kitchen unattended for five minutes, Mossyback will slide in, raid your stash, and eat up all your ice cream and crackers. 🌲🤢

    You’ll always know when he’s been there, too—mostly because he leaves a distinct, greasy green smear across the ground wherever he goes.

  • 🧇She’s a waffle-slinging beauty who drives a big truck,

    Her demeanor is quiet but she’s got plenty of pluck! 🛞

    As a server her skills are quite well respected,

    She never leaves her patrons underserved or neglected. 🫡

    Meet Switchblade Molly: the fastest server in the Pacific Northwest. She reads your mind, serves your breakfast, and drives a monster truck to work. And if things get hairy, she’s always packing her signature blade for a little MacGyver-style problem solving. 🥞🔪

  • Meet The Creature, the ultimate heavy-hitting guardian of the Bushwhacker Mountains. They might seem peaceful by nature when they're wandering alone, but try to sneak out with a pocket full of rare minerals, gems, or Lunar Globulite, and you won't be escaping in one piece. 💎❌

  • Meet the Dynamite Mule: The ultimate high-stakes traveling companion. 🐴💣

    “Sometimes he lives, sometimes he explodes. It all depends on how he handles his loads.” 💥

    As the highly reluctant pack mule and unwitting companion to Meatfist and Gronk, this poor guy is just one bumpy road away from completely vaporizing. You can literally see the existential dread in his eyes. 😳

  • Meet Stormy: She’s Switchblade Molly's ornery older sister, she reps the wildest drink on the coast, and she takes absolutely zero B.S. 🔥⚡

    Stormy brings the absolute thunder. She makes her living as a West Coast sales rep for a malt liquor energy drink called "Blast-Off." She’s fast, she’s tatted, she’s pierced to the teeth, and she has zero patience for anyone slowing down her sales route. ⚡🏃‍♂️

    Putting our favorite high-octane rep on a 15-second spin cycle so you can see her layout from every angle. Watch out, she’s a live wire! 🔄👀